I awoke yesterday in that fugue state that only a few well placed hormones can induce, PMS. This is not a visitor I entertain often and she presents to me as a feeling of vulnerability, fragility and preciousness. As though I’m made of glass and one good shake….
Now I am sure Abe has something to say about these pesky hormone related issues, i.e., I’m not in alignment. Sure I get that, and I own it. So rather than ponder why I was Out of The Vortex, which we know only leads to more time Out, I took this time as an invitation To Be Present In It and To It All!
First, let’s be real. What choice did I have? It was only 7:00 am and I had just woken up, so a nap was out of the question. Second, the thought of meditating made me feel as though I was gonna jump outta my skin. And Third, appreciating anything was too far of a stretch. So Be Here Now, oars pulled in and facing downstream, seemed like the only logical course of action.
I jumped into my car and headed out playing Abe Videos, alternating between crying and some minor appreciating all the way to the coffee shop where I was going to sequester myself. One of the vids spoke about our desire to come forth for The Adventure of Life! For the Zest! For the Zeal and Joy that living on this planet can produce. “Well,” I thought, “An adventure. Hmmm.I haven’t been on one for a while.” I allowed myself to vividly dream about new places to discover, milking the feelings of submerging myself in a new culture, tasting new foods, smelling new smells, I felt my inner landscape stir with lighter feelings. Great! Any movement, no matter how slight, is a step in the right direction.
The next video I listened to had Abe telling us “To Reach For More!” To Desire beyond our comfort zone, beyond our arm’s length, beyond where we stand today. Seeing as how I was already out of my comfort zone, just reaching for the salt shaker on the table seemed a stretch. So yes, I had that one covered! LOL
As I sat in the sun looking out and up onto the ridge line that surrounds my wee town, sipping my black coffee and tearing into my giant orange scone with orange icing, I began to scroll through the dreams that I have had, some since childhood, and a pall of remorse, of not-doing-enough or doing-it-right, flooded over me.
And then the true culprit, the catalyst to my feelings of woe and sadness revealed herself, Un-Fucking-Worthiness! Say what? I thought I’d had that one covered, but you see Dearest Friends, a lifetime of habits of thought, require consistent and loving vigilance. Our only job as humans, if we want to feel good, is to remain focused on the sunny thoughts, not the shoulds or the feelings of remorse that result in our lying face down in the deep, dark umbra of what might have been.
What we KNOW for double darn sure, we students of The Teachings of Abraham, is there isn’t any Might Have Been! That’s the scarcity mentality: scarcity of time, of money, of resources, of what-the-heck ever. Here in Abe Land, in our mighty Vortex and in the daily workings of a life fully lived, there is only More! More Beauty. More Dreams. More Joy. More Laughter. And More Time to realize the bounty that my dreams and desires can bring, because we are Eternal Beings and we never, no never, never ever, get it done.
This slide into a vibe that I had thought I had tidied up, served as a grand reminder that I am so much more than I am apt to credit myself. YES – I have a myriad of projects that I am lovingly working on. And NO – None of them have to be finished in any particular time frame or order. And NO – I am not beholden to anyone else’s idea of success or how I should live my life. And YES – This Life Is MY LIFE to mold and unfold in the way that feels best for me, and any contrarian thoughts are just nonsense.
I rallied myself then and there to not beat myself up, to not torture myself with thoughts that do not serve, to only appreciate the hell out of my gifts and how I choose to use them, to play in them, to unleash them. I got back in the car, came home, grabbed my kid, explained that I wasn’t feeling top notch and that she was totally off the hook (IOW – it was and is my own shit, as always) and if she didn’t mind being with my fragile version, let’s go see, “Straight Outta Compton.” at our local movie theatre.
I felt closer to being In the vicinity of My V as we strolled out of the house arm in arm toward new vistas, new delights, new forms of entertainment. Toward the stance of reaching bolder and farther! Appreciating all my emotions and the guidance they provide. Knowing that there are gaps in my dreams and that is THE NUMBER 1 REASON I came here: To dream beyond Now, resulting in a Gap between my Now moment and the realization of my dream. And then to ride that dream to the other side of The Gap where my dream and reality meet and manifest! And then to dream some more, ’cause the momentum of the ride from “not having to having” is too delicious not to replicate, to expand upon, to revel in.
Remember Dearest Creator, you didn’t come here to hold back, not one little bit. No matter how far it seems to “the other side” of your gap, it’s only as far as the next logical step, if you remain fixed and focused on your True North! Straight on ’till morning dear ones, and then some…~*